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Dear Blog,

Taking charge of my own life is actually the scariest thing I ever had to do.

Love, Justine.

Meh.

I seem to always fall between extreme good luck and extreme bad luck.

First, my wallet was found at last - after almost a month of being gone. Turns out it fell out of the lost and found basket and fell behind the fridge in the security office. Brilliant, eh? So I got my wallet back...and lose my cellphone all in the same half hour.

So unless I find it (which at this point is highly unlikely), I owe my mother about 500 bucks to terminate the contract and only then can I get another phone (that I have to pay for of course) and a new plan. Maybe this is a good thing. Its going to suck not talking to Matt all the time and at random hours, but we'll figure it out somehow. I hope I'll make enough at work and maybe get this tutoring job and just save, save, save so I can pay her ASAP. Then by March or April or so get myself a new phone...or even a crappy one until I work enough to buy myself a BlackBerry and get myself a new plan and actually pay the bill myself. Finally going to be free of my parents controlling my phone usage.


Besides, I think I need to stop being so dependent on the phone.


Ok....who am I kidding. Just trying to make the most of a bad situation.

I seriously need to get a life.

The Internet has become a dangerous, dangerous thing for me. Now that I can't stalk people on Facebook anymore (my boyfriend was so kind as to change my password for me so I can actually focus on studying for exams) I've turned to Twitter - although, it's quite boring and there's not much to do there - and stalking people's blogs.

I seriously think I have a problem. Instead of getting to know certain people personally, I constantly read what they post in their blogs/LiveJournal accounts/MySpace, etc. And if there's some kind of information missing there, I refuse to stop lurking until I can make some kind of guess about what it is. Like, people obviously don't name people when they rant on about how pissed off they are in their blogs so I sit there and make guesses as to who they're talking about and what the situation is. There's certain people that I knew in high school or from somewhere, but I know the "internet version" of them and not the real them. I think I'd be weirded out if I actually had to sit down and hang out or talk to these people because I'm so used to "getting to know them" by what they write on the Internet.

I kind of reasoned with myself and came up with an explanation for WHY I do this...See, I watch TV shows like Gossip Girl, 90210, Melrose Place and such. Where you get sucked into watching because of all the drama that happens. Thing is, being educated in cultural/media studies, I consciously know how full of crap these shows are and how they construct storylines and characters purely for the purpose of gaining more viewership and higher ratings. That's it. They're extremely fake and unrealistic, the girls are anorexically skinny, wear way too much fabulous clothes, expensive makeup, and fake eyelashes. Oh not to mention that most actors play characters that are 10-15 years younger than they actually are. I'm aware of all this. Maybe that's why I feel the need to fulfill this guilty pleasure through REALITY...people that actually exist and have real problems. That's why I always read people's blogs and want to find out more about the stuff they deal with. Some people make it so easy too, you know? They post EVERYTHING about their lives everywhere. Its so obvious the kind of attention I give them (that they don't necessarily know about) is exactly what they want. And they know it.

Sigh. I really need to get a life.

Agenda for today:
- Study a chapter of Marketing, and review all previous notes
- Study a chapter of OB
- Listen to a History lecture and make note of terms mentioned
- Go to bed early!!! No talking on the phone till 3am (Sorry, Matt)

WELL THEN.

Wow its been forever since I've updated this thing. The whole summer flew by and almost half of one semester of second year. Eep! I'm basically updating this because my boyfriend, for whatever reason, checks this for updates religiously every day.

So I wanted to tell him something.

Matt?

I love you. You are my reason for being, for breathing, for living. Everything right that's happened in my life this summer and beyond somehow involved you. And I don't mean the lucky chances and crazy coincidences where something you predicted came true. (Although, the Paramore Meet and Greet......that was absolutely insane. I can't believe I got picked from thousands of Toronto fans to meet the best pop punk band in existence.) I mean everytime I get extremely emotional and feel like crying and falling apart and giving up on life, you fix me again. Without even trying. Just talking to you and making the corny jokes we always make puts me in a cheerier mood. You make me realize how NOT important the shit I deal with is...how I need to look beyond that and make the most of my life. I always lose my perspective...I start seeing things through the most negative lens. I never see that its not so bad, that one day things will improve and that for now I just need to work through it and appreciate the better things (Like you! And the snuggle space/origin. And holding you anywhere, in any way. Its a simple pleasure.) Thanks for being the one to put me back together. I know I can be the most immature and stubborn person ever and you still deal with me. I love that we get into small arguments because both of us are too stubborn to admit we're wrong. And.....then five minutes later we call each other back and apologize and tell each other we love each other. I don't want that to sound cliché because I really do love you with all my heart and soul. I've never felt so right with someone, I've never had faith in a relationship like I have in this one. We will make it. Take my hand and we'll make it, I swear (to quote Bon Jovi's "Living on a Prayer" - I had to quote something, didn't I?)

Kocham cie.

Happy Four Months (L).

There's a train leaving town in an hour, its not waiting for you and neither am I.

It kind of scares me that I don't know what's going to happen in the future, even the near future. Like last year....someone, actually who am I kidding, a lot of people...who I thought were my friends and who I basically trusted with my life, today either don't talk to me, don't keep in touch, or just flat out hate my guts and never want to speak to me again. What if that happens again next year?!

I'm too dependent on other people. And I can only ever REALLY depend on my mom and stepdad. Like no matter how many fights we get into, what I do, or what happens, they're never going to leave my side. No matter what. That's a comforting thought.

In other news, HARRY POTTER FTW! I got scared shitless when the Inferi arm grabbed Harry inside the cave....cried when Dumbledore died (I cried when reading the book too, I'm such a SAP!) and there were some funny bits...i.e. when Ron is enchanted by the love potion and has a dopey grin on his face I was like, what is he DOING? Matt: "Pssst he's getting a blowjob". LMFAO. and when all the Hogwarts students and staff raised their lit wands to the sky to erase the Dark Mark, some fanatic in the middle of the theater raises their lit cellphone...totally killing the moment. HILARIOUS. And yay for free bus rides.

The boys and girls watch each other eat when they really just wanna watch each other sleep...

Completely. Bored. Out. Of. My. Noggin. (Lmao I almost typed "nigg..." Oops...)

Anyways yes. The weather is lame and therefore my family is lame and doesn't want to do anything this weekend. I have like no single friends that are actually around to hang out with me (I've come to the conclusion that all my non-single friends are too damn busy with their beloved to spend one second considering the fact that they have friends they used to hang out with...) My boyfriend's work schedule is lame. Its SO frustrating. I'm stuck babysitting my brother pretty much ALL damn week and when I DON'T have to babysit him, i.e. Friday, Saturday, Sunday, he works all those nights. FML. This sucks majorly. And then when we scrape together some time during the week, the stupid kid has to tag along...really annoying but we deal with it. Can't wait for the school year. I actually LIKE being busy. I agree with what Oleg said on MSN earlier, its way better to be too busy than not busy at all. I need a LIFE. I need a job. I need a car. I need my own place. I need hard liquor...asap. Lmao. But in all seriousness, school keeps me busy, I have an excuse to be out of this stupid town and my house for the whole day, and best of all I get to see Matt all I want. We even have a class together. *Skips happily* Yay.

For now, I have to figure out how to NOT kill myself today and tomorrow due to lack of things to do.

At least there's summer rush @ wonderland coming up, and I think I'm going to wonderland on tuesday as well with my brother. Whatever, not really my idea of a good time but it beats sitting at home.

Speaking of summer rush, my so called best friend turned into a major bitch today. She assured me that me and Matt and her and her boyfriend were going together and I mentioned the fact that we would pay for parking and all if they gave us a ride. She seemed fine with it. Then today, she casually mentions that she wants to bring her cousin along since she hasn't seen him in a long time. So I ask...Well are we still getting a ride with you? And she says that even though she explained to her bf that we would pitch in for gas/parking, it was "his car, his rules" and he didn't want to have to "rush back home" in case I needed to be home early.

Ok....I pretty much blew up...but Matt told me to be cool about it and that the only thing that could really be said is that she's very inconsiderate. You can't just tell your friend that you're going to be giving her a ride and then make plans to give someone ELSE a ride (family or not) when you already agreed to give the first friend a ride. And then say "sorry, no more room". Well, excuse me for being rude, but what are we supposed to do now? Since she loves to lecture to me about how she works for her money and I don't, she of all people should understand that people don't exactly have 20 bucks to blow on public transportation just because you suddenly decide to blow them off and not give them a ride. Whatever, its not big deal. What REALLY got me was the fact that she said "Well the last time YOU TWO went to wonderland, Matt drove his car illegally [i.e. without insurance...long story] so why is it a problem now?" Wow. Ignorant bitch. First of all, when we did drive it was perfectly legal, actually it was the LAST legal day so to speak, and second of all how why would her boyfriend (who barely knows me by the way) automatically assume that he would have to "rush home" to drop me off? Yeah my parents are strict, but like what kind of bullshit excuse is that? Excuse me if I live with my parents who give me a curfew that I have to abide by, she should realize what thats like given that when she lived with her mom it was exactly the same. But OH WAIT. I forgoooot. She thinks she's ABOVE all that now because she lives on her own! Well look where thats gotten you! You have your boyfriend move in with you after only dating him for two months....which in my opinion was a terrible idea and is basically the reason why your relationship was/is so unstable...then you have your "best friend" (not me) move in and deal with her unbelievable antics (i.e. making noise cooking and blasting tv at 4 am, bringing her boyfriend over to spend the night and having loud sex with him, not being grateful that her friend is giving her a place to stay, etc). Yeah you live on your own, but thats not the greatest thing either from what I'm gathering. Then she actually has the nerve to be all "Well SORRY if I want to invite my cousin who I never see, you dont get what its like not to see your family a long time".







Yeah.





I made the desicion to stop seeing my own father, and his whole side of the family starts ignoring me and doesn't want to see or talk to me. I REAAAAALLY don't understand family issues. Nope. Not at all.


Whatever. She can go with her cousin. I dont really care. I feel like all of a sudden, all we even have in common anymore is the fact that we're die hard Paramore fans. Oh and by the way? She wouldnt even be into Paramore if I didnt send her the songs and tell her to listen to them.

Matt and I will have a wonderful time on our own, and I'll even get to meet his parents properly :)

I'm your biggest fan, I'll follow you until you love me.

Lots of things on my mind today. First....I'm kind of sick of this summer. The weather sucks, everyone's working but me and the only time I can really hang out with people is on the weekend when my parents are home so I get my brother off my ass. Thing is, that's when people always work. So....I get to spend the whole week trying to figure out what park to take him next. I dont even have a car to drive us anywhere so we go on bikes everywhere. Which sucks too because he falls off and scrapes himself like every 5 minutes and I have to reassure him over and over again that he is, in fact, alright and not bleeding to death. Man. This is teaching me to never ever have kids until I'm like 30. Buuuut some cool stuff is coming up - I'm waiting for my Paramore Fan Club membership package (courtesy of Mathew (L)) to come in the mail, I'm hopefully going to Wild Waterworks on Thurs (but again, the kid has to tag along. I seriously have very limited patience) going to z103.5 summer rush at wonderland on the 26th, a coldplay concert with my mommmmy on the 30th and leaving for Jamaica for a week with my family and their friends on the 1st. Which should be good, Ive never been to Jamaica - FINALLY a vacation where everyone doesnt speak Spanish that I cant understand. Other than that, in most all inclusive resorts, you have to be 18+ in order to drink and get in the hotel club and stuff. Last year I went to Mexico like 3 weeks before my 18th birthday. I was NOT impressed about that. So woot, finally get to drink and my parents can't complain. And if their friends are there then maybe they'll get off my case for a while.

Had my 9th driving lesson today and my instructor is proud of me - no major screw ups, I did three point turns and parallel/hill parks perfectly, know how to pull over right, I don't turn too late, yessss it was a good day. I want this exact car (a Honda 4-door civic) its so comfortable I hate driving my dad's huge and bulky Mercedes I feel like I'm going to run over something and everything is so damn flimsy and sensitive. My parents talked to my aunt about borrowing her car for me to practice in....if I'm broke off my ass I'm at least going to get my G2 this summer!!!

Anyways I'm tired. Gonna go do my nails and watch Big Brother 11. Later.

I put my faith in you, so much faith and then you just threw it away;;

Lmao. So I just realized that my relationship (uhm, *cough*, "relationship") with Andy last summer lasted all of two and a half weeks. I just went through my old blog and my phone and discovered that he asked me out on August 9th and broke up with me August 27th. Huh. I always imagined it to have been a month, but I guess not. Maybe its even shorter because technically I was out of the country for one of the weeks we dated. And he's still dating that skank to this day. Can you believe that?

Well...okay. She's not a skank. I told myself I'd never resort to calling people names without reason like that. Or maybe I should have a reason to call her a skank...after all she pretty much fooled around with my boyfriend behind my back and started dating him right after he dumped me AND lied about it. You don't do that. Not to your best friend. I have every right to be bitter about it.

Why the hell am I bringing this shit up yet AGAIN? I don't know. I had a dream about them last night. It was awkward, they were driving me somewhere for some reason and he kept giving me like the dirtiest looks and saying mean things. I don't remember much but I guess thats good. God, what if Chris DOES plan something with the old gang and they're both there? Like, together? They've been dating since then and I still have never seen them together as a couple. That would be really, really weird. Especially because she's the type to come on up to me and start chatting me up like we're best girlfriends again. He would probably just ignore me. Or who the hell knows. Why do I care again? Seeing the first ex there would be interesting though. He'd probably treat me as if I don't exist and I'm perfectly happy with that. I've done everything in my power to make things right and he pretty much told me where to shove it. Ah well, guess I should have seen that one coming.

Now my best friend is starting to worry me. And piss me off in a major way. She's gotten back together with her ex AGAIN - they've broken up and gotten back together about 4 or 5 times now - and avoided to tell me about it. And when I asked her why, WHY she would put herself in that position again after swearing to me she would never waste her attention on such an "asshole" ever again, she's all "what's in the past is done, there's no reason not to try again, why can't you just be happy for me and forget all the bullshit?" Uhm. I see plenty of reason not to try again. It didn't work the first 4 times around, why would it work now? I'm not about to basically be shafted to the side AGAIN while she's all happy with him, and then in like two weeks or less they'll get into another stupid argument, she'll complain about how she's so stressed and how she takes shit she doesn't need in life (which I agree with) and break up with him again. And then it'll be all, "OMG Justine, I've missed my PBFFL lets hang out again!" I just doooon't want it to turn into that again. I really don't. But I don't know how to tell her she's making a mistake. And I can't believe she wouldn't tell me. That in and of itself indicates there's something wrong with this and she knows it. If she was truly happy with her decision she would tell me straight up (after all, I'm going to find out eventually of course) and not be worried about what I would say. Right?

Woooooow. Okay that was a mouthful.
Got lots of sleep today, really needed it after having stayed up until 3 am registering for Commerce II. Stupid server took forever to let me on and I couldn't find any electives I wanted.

Okay so is it even humanly possible for me to be in a relationship for longer than a few weeks or months? I guess we'll find out. I'm just waiting a bit to see if my boyfriend finds something about me he really doesn't like and runs. I don't think it'll happen, I've pretty much told him about every skeleton in my closet and he's seen the bitchy side of me who likes to rant on and on about God knows what whenever I get mad. If he doesn't mind that, then great :)

I really needed this. I've decided this won't strictly be a photo blog because uploading photos onto here is a pain in the ass. A girl just needs to vent to a computer screen sometimes.

Alright so you think you're ready?! OKAY, then you sing this with me GO!

How to tell you're completely and utterly obsessed with Paramore:

1) You own and listen to all their songs, not just the popular ones but all of them, including unreleased demos and covers.
2) Hayley Williams pretty much rocks your world and you know that her vocal coach is Brett Manning.
3) You know all the other band members and the instruments they play.
4) Josh's guitar solo in "Misery Business" gives you goosebumps.
5) You know that in "Born for this", you're supposed to say "We just want the airwaves back" when Hayley sings "No we don't want your headlines, we just WANT!"
6) Going to their concert, even if they're just playing for a short time, pretty much makes your whole life.
7) You and fellow Paramore fanatics constantly quote their songs and finish each other's lines on Facebook.
8) You get other people on your Facebook doing it too.
9) You practically screamed when you heard the live version of "Hallelujah" with the Leonard Cohen intro from the Final Riot tour.
10) Inspired by the "Riot!" album cover, you decorate one of your own t-shirts that way and it takes you 4 hours.

So just take some time little girl, you're in the middle of the ride.

Wow.
So pretty much I'm questioning why I'm the biggest fucking FAILURE at life.
Today's driving lesson was a disaster.
Yeah, everything they teach you in those "in-class" sessions you're required to take in order to be certified by the MTO? Complete BULLSHIT.
Because once you're out there behind the wheel you don't fucking remember ANY OF IT.
At least I don't.
Fuck. I'm so inexperienced at this and whats worse, I look like a huge fucking dumbass in front of my instructor and everyone else. Because my parents are too scared for their precious little (or should I say huge) baby car thats worth like a gazillion dollars to even give me a chance and try to teach me something. Like holy fuck, I'm never going to fucking LEARN anything if you don't TEACH ME! and then they go off yelling at me because I'm "irresponsible" and "stupid at life" and don't know how to fucking do anything in the real world and how I'd never survive out there.

GUESS. WHY.

Like I made the biggest dumbfuck mistakes today I'm surprised I'm even sitting here ALIVE. Like I stop at a stop sign, not realizing that its NOT an all-way stop and therefore expected the other dude to stop as well and let me turn first since I got there first. But he DIDN'T have a stop sign so obviously he kept going. Almost fucking had a collision. Thank God for the emergency instructor's brakes.

And just stupid shit like that. I can't parallel park to save my own life.

Fuck this.

Maybe I'm just out of it because I overslept and woke up literally 7 minutes before my lesson. But that's no excuse either! Like whats gonna happen when I'm 35 or something and have to drive my kids to school in the morning? Like "No, sorry guys, I'm too out of it to be safe behind a damn wheel today."

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!